Couple Use Experience To Support Stepfamilies (2024)

The Douglases, who live in Mitchellville, last year published a book, "The Blended Family: Achieving Peace & Harmony in the Christian Home," which outlines the main principles of their ministry.

The couple founded the ministry shortly after they married eight years ago. Each of their first marriages had ended in divorce.

According to the Douglases' research, 50 percent of first marriages fail while 70 percent of second marriages fail. This statistic is clearly a cry for help, the Douglases said.

But when they went to find help for themselves when they were newlyweds, they found few resources, and almost none based on religious beliefs.

The Douglases say families like theirs need special spiritual help -- and thus their ministry was born.

Blended families have a tough time, the Douglases can attest.

Soon after they married, the couple found, to their shock, that their children from their previous marriages weren't so thrilled to be part of the merger.

Edward has two daughters, who then were in their 20s. Sharon has two sons and a daughter, then ages 10, 8 and 6.

"When you're dating, nobody tells you that you need to spend time with the kids, too, so the kids can get to know the person you're dating," Sharon said.

Edward, who was no longer accustomed to having younger children around, said it was "like moving in with Sharon and three strangers."

Over time, Sharon and her biological children gelled with Edward's younger daughter, but his older daughter resisted, Edward said.

"My oldest daughter was fine until we got married," Edward said.

Throw in a couple of ex-spouses, ex-in-laws and duplicate sets of parents and grandparents, and suddenly Sharon and Edward Douglas found themselves the principal actors in a drama with a struggling and unsupportive cast of characters.

When the couple realized they were not the Brady Bunch, they sought outside advice. They searched for printed material on blended families, but found little other than statistics and reports on "the negative results of divorce and remarriage and stepfamilies," Edward said.

But the couple wanted strategies for staying together.

The Douglases reported much of what they learned from their experiences in their book.

"The biggest thing is that the child would say, 'If I love her, then I don't love my mom.' And the very simple thing to teach kids is to say, 'Look, your heart is big enough to love your mother, to love your stepmother, to love everybody.' The Bible calls us to love everyone," they wrote.

Edward and Sharon turned to the Bible to help them recognize and weather incoming emotional storms.

Their faith has also helped them to realize when they do and do not have total control over a situation, they said. Instead of having an emotional upset, they pray.

That way, they said, outside forces (and some of those little forces padding around the house) are prevented from playing one spouse against the other.

Figuring out how best to instill discipline is complicated even in intact families. In blended families, it poses special challenges.

Take, for example, the time when both Edward and Sharon felt that her son, at 16, was too immature to get his driving license. The disgruntled teenager simply persuaded his biological father to help him get it. When Edward and Sharon refused to let the teen drive their vehicles, especially when his grades dipped, the youth again turned to his father, who let him drive his car.

Eventually, the teen totaled his father's car in an accident. Thank goodness, Edward said, the boy wasn't harmed. But he learned his limits behind the wheel.

The Douglases also address hidden, hard-to-talk-about issues, such as feeling like a spouse is treating the other's children unfairly.

There also are concerns about finances, respect and feelings of insecurity, especially around ex-spouses and during social family gatherings.

In all instances, couples should talk it out, set rules and write them down, the Douglases suggest. But don't attempt this during raging storms, only when the seas are tranquil, they said.

"You're not going to agree on everything, but as things go on you will realize that you can come to a middle ground," Edward said.

Turning to their religious faith during these times is especially helpful, they said.

"People are amazed and in awe when we speak and tell people that Jesus was in a blended family," Edward said. "Joseph was not his father; Joseph had other sons and Joseph and Mary had daughters. And the Bible even states that Jesus's brothers had issues with him. . . . There were many families in the Bible that were blended families and the issues that they faced are the same issues that we are confronted with today."

The Douglases, who also had a daughter together -- Taylor, now 6 -- emphasized that their ministry and book are not guides to divorce and remarriage. The traditional family structure is still the ideal, they said.

"We don't condone divorce at all," Sharon said.

She and her husband believe divorce is a sin, but that God is a God of forgiveness and grace, she said.

"When you fall out of favor with God's order, you can put yourself back in order because he is a God of second chances," Edward said.

"The other thing is that since we've been through so much with divorce and remarriage, we can really teach our children the importance of staying together," Sharon said.

The Douglases take their Blended Family Ministry around the country to churches, conventions, retreats, and television and radio shows.

This fall, they will be on a national radio broadcast called "Family Life Today," taped in Little Rock.

They frequently participate in workshops and panel discussions at the Glendale Baptist Church in Landover and at their home church, First Baptist Church of Glenarden.

Recently, a University of Missouri instructor inquired about using their book as a reference for creating a graduate course on blended families, the Douglases said.

Both said God blessed them with a second chance at happiness. The Douglases said blended families can mean a lot of love and extra blessings for the children.

The proof of that, Sharon jokes with a hearty laugh, is that "they get a whole lot of gifts at Christmas."

"The Blended Family: Achieving Peace & Harmony in the Christian Home" can be found in local bookstore chains, Amazon.com, Barnes&Noble.com or ordered from the Providence House Publishers in Tennessee. Edward and Sharon Douglas also have a Web site: www.blendedfamilyministry.com. E-mail them at BlendfmlyMnstry@aol.com.

The Douglas family shares pizza and conversation on a Friday night. Clockwise from left are Edward Douglas; Taylor Douglas, 6; Julius Carroll, 18; Aaron Carroll, 13; Sharon Douglas; Kelly Douglas, 28; and Monica Carroll, 16. A sixth child, Stacey Douglas, 31, was out of town. Below, photos of family members adorn the walls of their Mitchellville home.Sharon and Edward Douglas, right, wrote a book on how to successfully merge families; its cover is shown above. Five of their six children join them around the table: from left, Monica Carroll, Taylor Douglas, Julius Carroll, Aaron Carroll and Kelly Douglas.Edward Douglas cuddles with daughter Taylor after dinner. The family, below, prays together at their church, First Baptist Church of Glenarden, where Sharon and Edward Douglas often hold workshops and discussions as part of their Blended Family Ministry.